Underestimated

A bit random tonight but here goes...
 
Update on dentist: I took my daughter for her oral surgery.  If you ever have to take your kid for that be prepared...the thought of sedating a child is terrifying...the wait is excruciating...when they call you back into the recovery room and your child is hysterical and fighting the nurses because she is terrified you will be devastated.  The doctors warned me all children cry when they come out of sedation.  Said it was normal because they were unfamiliar with the surroundings and would have no idea how they got there.   Well cry is an understatement! My 4 year old little girl was standing up on the bed screaming hysterically, swinging at the nurses, yelling for Mama, and trying to rip her IV out of her hand.  It was absolutely awful I wanted to cry. I got her in my arms and she was still so terrified. They gave her some medicine to calm down and I rocked her until she went to sleep.  Her lips were so swollen and cracked. Her tongue was so dry and cracked and her voice was hoarse from the breathing tube they put down her throat.  I was sure that she would be traumatized forever after that. The anesthesiologist told me that she wouldn't remember but I thought he was lying.  Come to find out all she had to do was go to sleep.  When she woke up she was in a great mood and couldn't figure out how she was home since the last thing she remembered was going to the doctor.  She couldn't figure out why she was talking funny. It was actually cute after I realized she was going to be fine and wouldn't be permanently scarred.  So oral surgery for children: if its necessary and you can afford it then do it.  Just be prepared its worse on you then them! They will forget it...you won't.

Things that need to be said:
Missing a few days from school has put me behind. Which irritates me but my baby is more important than school.  I would do anything for my kids.  I knew I was going to miss school so I tried to get ahead.  I was unable to because of failures to try to communicate with my teacher. Unanswered emails make it difficult to stay ahead.  School is very important to me.  If it wasn't I would have given up when my little brother died, or when I got married, or had my first kid, or my second.  I would have quit when I got stressed, or when the sitters failed to show up.  I didn't. I love school and I love the degree I will have in May.  However it seems that people have a tendency to underestimate me because I have a life outside of school.  So this post is to set that misconception to rest.  Nothing and no one will hold me back from getting my degree.  All the people that have done their best to tell me I can't do it are only making me want it more.  I don't need your help, I will do this.  I might not sleep for the next few months and might go crazy in the process but I can promise you my work will be done. I WILL graduate.  I WILL have an awesome show.  I WILL make you feel guilty for ever doubting me.  It is crazy to me that some people can slide by with awful work and they are never made to feel like they can't do something.  Because they are able to hangout after class.  They are able to participate in school functions.  Well I'm not and even if I was able to I doubt I would.  My work might not be the best in your opinion but I am learning and more determined than anyone up there.  I do my best everyday, very rarely miss class and always have my assignments done on time.  Still you say you don't think I can handle it? I have had almost every single teacher tell me that over the past few years.  I am a strong person but have been reduced to tears on more than one occasion. I have never in my life been in a place that is so happy to tear you down.  Yea it will make you stronger if you can survive it.  It seems that since I am quiet and don't really socialize that people underestimate me.  Not just at school, everywhere.  Well you see the problem with that is my Mama raised me to be strong, to stand up for myself and to never give up.  So I know what I am doing, where I am going.  I will do what I have to to get there.  I will grit my teeth and smile.  Then I will leave you in the dust.  I will make something of myself.  No one will hold me back.  It angers me how many people have tried.  They think I don't know.  Snide remarks or backwards comments do not go unnoticed.   I just don't care.  I don't care what people think about me.  I don't care if you don't think I will make it.  I know that I will.  I have no doubt in myself.  This started as a rant but I think I will end it with a thank you.  Thank you to all the people that tried to tear me down.  You failed.  Thank you to all the people who said I wouldn't make it. I'm almost there.  Thank you to all the people who did there best to make things hard for me. It made me more determined than ever.  So thanks for underestimating me, I knew who I was to begin with, but your doubt as affirmed what I already knew.  So I guess really the point of this post/rant is to tell you that you will meet adversity in everything you do.  You can let it bring you down or you can rise above it.  Don't let people try to tell you who you are.  You are the only person who can define you.

Stay calm...In through the nose, out through the mouth

In through the nose, out through the mouth...thats how they tell you to breath when you are in labor.  Don't focus on the pain focus on staying calm and breathing.  Ever since I was told that its been sort of a motto of mine.  My life stays stressful and I have a tendency to feel like the world is going to just crash down on top of me, so I tell myself this everyday.  These past few days I've had to tell myself that alot.  School is, at times, overwhelming. The closer I get to May the more I freak out.
Then there is everyday life.  My husband came home this week.  I'm not sure I mentioned the fact that I am an oilfield wife.  I know I said I was alone most of the time, but not sure I told you why.  So my husband works 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off.  Its really a hard life to live.  I don't see him at all for 3 weeks and only talk to him about once a night.  Then when he comes home he is under my feet 24/7 unless he is fishing.  So the first few days he is home my world is thrown upside down because I have to adjust to him being home again.  This time he was at work for 28 days so I had an extra week by myself.  I thought 3 weeks was hard 4 weeks is killer.  I miss my husband while he is gone, but thats not the hard part.  The hard part is trying to stay sane juggling everything the way I do.  I have set routines and that helps.  My kids are in the tub at 7 and bed at 8.  As I type this, my son is actually sitting in my lap so I'm trying to type, keep him from typing, or falling or drawing on my computer since he just found my pencil.  My life is filled with chaos. This week has my nerves on edge already and it just started.  I took my daughter to the dentist last week because she was complaining of a toothache.  Found out that most of her teeth have cavities so had to schedule her for oral surgery.  Went to schedule the appt and found out that even with our insurance it would cost me 4692...up front.  I was freaking out.  No way I could come up with all that! She needs the surgery as soon as possible because some of the cavities are down to the nerves and there is a chance of infection.  Luckily the nurse checked to see if by some chance she was still covered by Medicaid and thank God she was.  So now that I can afford to have the surgery she will go Thursday.  I'm a nervous wreck.  They will sedate her and fix all her teeth at once.  I don't like the idea of my 4 year old being sedated.  We go to the pediatrician tomorrow to get clearance for the surgery.  Just thinking about Thursday makes me want to hyperventilate.  I don't want my daughter to worry though so I tell her its going to be okay.  I know it will be but it doesnt mean I'm not freaked out! I took her today to spend some one on one time with her.  We went and got our nails done, and then bought her an Easter dress and took her to Chuck E Cheese.  It was a fun day.  I'm still dreading Thursday, but it was nice to be able to take her to have fun and see her pretty smile.  I don't get very much alone time with her and I feel bad about it.  I know she knows that I love her but I hate that I can't give her all of my attention like I want to.  She is growing up too fast.  It scares me to think that she will be a grown up one day.  She told me yesterday that she wanted me to live with her when she was older so she could cook for me.  It made me realize that wow there really will be a day when she moves out.  She already knows it.  I do too, but I don't like to think about it.  I feel like if I blink she will be getting her license, going to prom, and moving out. All I can do is hold her tight and try to teach her the best I can.  That freaks me out more than anything.  Knowing that I am responsible for the person she will become.  Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth... those words helped me bring my babies into this world and they will help me stay calm as I try to raise them.  I have to remember that no matter how hectic and busy my school is they are my responsibility. My children come first, so if they are sick or hurting or just needing a hug I need to put down what I'm doing.  Make sure they know they are loved and then get back to work.  It might make me have to push deadlines to the last minute or work all night but as long as I stay calm I can  do it.  Focus on the goal, not the problem.  It might be stressful and painful but the end will be rewarding.
So here goes another week of remembering to stay calm.  Take things one at a time. Don't focus on the problem but on the solution.  In through your nose, out through your mouth...I can do this...you can do this...

Everything happens on the weekends

Juggling school and kids is hard work.  Weeks are hard. Trying to get my school work done, keep the house clean (manageable at least) and trying to keep the kids happy and fed is more than a 9 to 5 job.  I get up at 6:00 to get my little girl ready for school.  I take her to school then I run errands, clean house or finish homework until its time to take my son to the sitter.  Once he is at the sitter it is time to start my hour long drive to school.  I get to school, go to classes, do my work, get my assignments and go home. I never stay and socialize and I've discovered recently most people avoid me because they don't know me.  Its sad I've been in classes with the same people for almost 4 years and I hardly know them.  Once I leave school (which believe it or not is my downtime, even with all the work) I go pick up my kids from the sitter.  We get home and I feed them, give them a bath and put them in bed.  On some days there is time to actually play with them but most times not.  I don't get to see my kids as much as I would like because of school but, hey, May is right around the corner (shutter!) That's a scary thought in itself. After they are in bed I do my homework, then go to bed myself.  The next day I get up and do it all over again. I stay busy. I stay tired. I stay stressed.  I get very little sleep because my weeks are so busy but oh there is always the weekend, right?
WRONG! I have discovered that everything happens on the weekend.  For two weekends in a row my heater has broke...no big deal because we have been having warm nights. Except, winter finally decided to arrive.  So its 40 degrees outside and I have no heat. Call the repair man who supposedly "fixed" my heater the first time it broke.  But I'm told they don't do repairs on the weekend. WHAT!?! Its 40 outside and I have two small children! So I start combing the phone book looking for a repairman. I get voicemail after voicemail. Finally I get a call back, the guy comes within 20 minutes of my call, temporarily fixes my heater for the night and promises to get the part necessary to fix it the next day. And he does! So the rest of the weekend should be smooth sailing...
Having a life on the weekends when you have two small children is hard.  I had a chance to go out with friends over the past few weekends and its been a blast.  However, my friends can stay up all night and party and sleep all the next day. I can't and honestly don't want to.  I like to go out and have fun but I dont want to waste the next day sleeping. I went to a Mardi Gras ball last night and it was an absolute blast.  Nothing like I expected but still fun.  I was nervous I wouldn't get to go because my daughter was complaining of a toothache Friday afternoon.  Saturday morning she was still in pain and had cried the whole night before.  There are NO weekend pediatric dentists in our area so there was nothing I could do.  Tylenol and orajel are her best friends right now.  So Monday I will be calling a dentist.  But see nothing ever goes wrong when you have a way to fix it! So between broken heaters, Mardi gras balls, toothaches, and homework my weekends are busier than my weeks! Weekends are meant for relaxing but I"m not sure I even know what that means anymore. I think I know the way to survive the weekends though and still have fun.
1. Keep all repairmen on speed dial! Know the ones who make weekend and after hour calls but also know their prices.  Don't get overcharged (we got overcharged the first time our heater was "fixed" but I'm not going there)
2. Know all doctors and dentists that are on call on the weekend.  If you have questions you can usually call the ER or your insurance company may have a nurseline.
3. Keep basic first aid kits available, but include medicines for toothaches, and things like that.
4. If you go out with friends...
                     -if you drink, do it responsibly
                     - know how you are getting home, before the night even starts
                     - get home at a reasonable hour, even if your friends aren't ready and you are make them take you. or call a cab
                     - get some sleep.
                     -get up and enjoy the next day.  Don't sleep it away being hungover. You can still have fun without ruining your next day. Plus, if you do drink if you dance then it burns off the alcohol faster :) you might be a little sore the next day but you will be able to function like a human and not a Zombie. So these are my words of wisdom for the week. Enjoy life. It can be stressful and tiring, fun and exhausting, crazy and ridiculous but its life.  You can live it or you can hide from it.  Don't end up graduating after being in a school for 4 years and barely know the people you see everyday.  Got to remember even if your life is crazy busy you always have time for people.
          

This is me...

Well, I'm starting a blog for class.  I'm a bit nervous about this.  I've never been one to journal so I might ramble or not make sense.  If that is the case.  Sorry. :) So here goes.  I'm writing this blog to give people who are in a similar situation as me advice, hope, or maybe just something to laugh at.  Even if you aren't in the same situation I think you will find my blog at least some what interesting. I guess the best thing to do would be to explain why my blog is titled "Don't just survive".  When I was in my freshmen year of college I was having a great time.  I had tons of friends, was living on my own for the first time and really happy.  I had dreams of being an elementary teacher, maybe first grade or kindergarten.  That was the plan.  Then on the morning of October 20, 2006 I woke up to a phone call telling me that my 16 year old brother wouldn't wake up.  My mom was hysterical and I was two hours away.  My brother went to sleep the night before and never woke up.  My older brother was in Florida.  We both rushed home as fast as we could, I made it within a few hours and Nic was there the next day.  When I got that phone call I quit living.  Mikey was one of my best friends, we grew up together.  He was only two years younger.  We spent most of our time together, and even when we were apart we would call each other everyday.  He was gone so I didn't see the point in living either.  I withdrew from all my classes at school. I went through the motions of life but I honestly can't tell you what happened from the day I got that phone call til about February 7th.  February 7th was the day I realized that there is more to life than just surviving.  I was 19 and just found out I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  I didn't know what to do.  I told my mom, expecting her to be disappointed in me, and for the first time in months she smiled.  She was so excited!  At that moment I knew that life was worth living.  If she could smile then so could I.  It took me about a week to get the idea in my head that I was going to have a baby. In that week I thought about what I wanted to do with my life.  Where I wanted to go.  I realized that I didn't want to be a teacher.  I wanted to do something that would make me happy.  I used to say that if I could color for a living that it would be the best job ever.  Then I realized you could go to school for art! I was so excited.  I forfeited a scholarship to transfer school so I could study art.   So that lead me here.  To blogging.  lol I am now a senior (took a few extra years but hey I'm here) I graduate in May. I am 24, married for 3 years, and the mother of a beautiful four year old little girl who saved my life and a handsome two year old little boy who reminds me how truly lucky I am.  My husband works offshore so for more than half of the year I am a single mother.  I don't work, I'm lucky to have a husband who can support us while I am in school but I do take full time classes.  So I've learned how to adapt.  I don't see my kids as much as I would like to, but I push myself to finish school.  I want them to be proud of me, the way I am proud of my mom.  I spend most of my life having people tell me I'm not good enough, and I don't care. So anyway back to the purpose of this blog, I have learned a lot by practically being a single mother for my whole college career.  I've learned there is never enough time in the day to get things done.  Kids will always get sick if you have a very important final.  Babysitters are flaky at best, daycare is expensive.  The house is impossible to keep clean if you are going to stay ahead in class. Everything breaks at the worst possible time.  Ridiculous stuff will always happen to you, and when you try to tell people they will either (a) think you are lying or (b) think you are crazy.  Stress is inevitable but manageable.  Even with all that there is nothing better than coming home from a long day at school and opening the door to two smiling faces running at you at full speed yelling "MOMMY!!" Those are the moments that remind you there is more than life than just surviving.  If you are just going through the motions then you aren't living. So take a step back, make sure your priorities are in order, breathe and face the day knowing that even if life gets you down you are still living.  Those are my words of wisdom for now.  My experiences may not mean much to you but they mean everything to me.  So until next time...This is me asking you: Are you just surviving?